Have I not commanded
you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed,
for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. ~ Joshua 1:9
“I can’t do it” that’s what I told Bronz when he suggested a
home birth. My reasoning being if
something went wrong, I would blame him, and our marriage would fall apart or
be forever ruined by bitterness. He
didn’t necessarily agree, but listened, and consented. Then God started working… Showing me that not
only was I not trusting Bronz, but I really wasn’t trusting Him. Did I trust God to take care of me, baby, and
our marriage? Could I take the
risk? Not meaning that home birth is a
more ‘spiritual’ option, just that in my case it happened to be a trusting God
issue. After about a week, I brought it
up to Bronz and agreed to plan on finding a midwife.
Enter Homebirthisphere
“I don’t fit” I really don’t know how many times I whined
that. But really this home birth group
was a subculture I’m familiar with, but they aren’t ‘me’. I like coffee and
chocolate and cold cereal and nutella and….
First visit with midwife had her going over what I had eaten the day
before, her face lit up when she saw pistachio dessert… “Oh pistachio’s!” Umm… keep reading.
I’m reading blogs – cloth diapering, baby wearing,
co-sleeping… (In which all kids sleep in bed with mom while dad is relegated to
couch) mentally going –scratch- scratch- scratch
So I figured that I couldn’t possibly be the only reluctant
homebirther out there. Surely the world
wide web had someone like me, whose husband had cajoled them into trying it
“just once”… So I googled… And found… Nothing. Zip. Nada. There was quite a bit
on convincing your husband – not my issue, including one lady who was willing
to divorce her husband over the issue.
Now that’s taking it to a new level.
Then there was the fact that I was extremely phobic (if
that’s a word—if not, you get the picture) about what everyone else must
think. Because if I thought we were
borderline crazy everyone else must think we actually were.
So yeah, I gave it to God, and gave it, and took it back…
and gave it again. And cried on the
phone to my sisters… and played the martyr with Bronz… And gave it back to
God. Just being honest here.
When I am afraid, I put my trust in you. In God, whose word I praise,
in God I trust; I shall not be afraid. What can flesh do to me? ~Psalm 56:3-4
Through it all God showed me that he held our future in his
hands…
We had an extremely emotionally tough winter, with bizarre
family issues happening weekly if not daily.
Things I never, ever would have dreamed we would go through. Midnight phone calls, police, hospitals,
court dates. The court dates were the
worst, I would feel contractions, and know I couldn’t do anything about it, and
pray that God would watch over our baby.
I didn’t have the option to stay home, as there was another innocent
involved. God protected. God would still have been good had I
miscarried… Yet instead he allowed me to be pushed right to the edge and held
me through those rough months.
Finally a week before my due date a friend and I were
driving home, and hit a deer, I watched it fly up and thought it was going to
land on my windshield. Instead he did a
flip off to the side, but smashed in the friends hood pretty good. The odd thing was that the airbags never went
off. $3000 worth of damage, dead center of car, and no airbags… While the baby
probably would have been okay, it certainly couldn’t have been good to have it
be hit by the airbags. It could have
been coincidence, but it felt like God was showing me that He could take care
of everything.
Fast forward to…
Baby Birth Day
After labor started and stopped the day before… And I had
felt all the nausea early labor signs, I really didn’t think I would go into
labor on Saturday since I felt so terrific.
So I planned to go on a picnic after church on Sunday and called a
Strawberry U-Pick-Em Farm to make sure they were open. I cuddled with Kamie and happened to fall
asleep for two hours. I woke up at 4:45
and had a contraction, 15 minutes later another one, then they started coming
every 2-3 minutes with strong ones being about 8 minutes apart. I called Bronz who was working on fence out
in our pasture and told him that I was having contractions for twenty
minutes. After another 20 minutes I
called our midwife who was camping and
was going to be at least 2 ½ hours out.
I didn’t want her to have to drive over here if it was a false alarm,
but then I really didn’t want an unassisted birth either! I got my family team to come over and pick up
Kamie. – Who was busy using my distraction to dump out birth supplies and fill
the toilet full of tp. Now I’m an
extrovert, but when it comes to labor, I get very quiet, and have to
concentrate… So I kept thinking that I had all these people I wanted praying
and just couldn’t call them. I called a
doula friend… She had put me in touch with my midwives, and so I thought I
would do her a favor and let her observe a birth. I’m funny about who I want
around me, they have to either know me so good that I won’t feel dumb, or need
to live up to their expectations –or- not know me well enough that it really
doesn’t matter. Tracy fit into the not know
me very well category. Was I in for a
treat, she was closer than the midwives so got here first and was so amazing,
calming, supporting. Bronz and I were so
thankful that we had her with us.
About 8:30 I got in our whirlpool
tub, and just loved the water. Bronz was showering and getting last minute
details done.
Midwives arrived at 9:00, and helped Bronz fill up the
birthing pool – which was really cool.
They said I could deliver in the tub, but I wanted to have the option of
the bigger space and Bronz to be able to get in and support me.
Around 9:30 my midwife examined me and said I was at 6 but
could go really fast. Then they told me
that they really wanted me to walk around and maybe do some stairs. Bronz was still filling up the pool, so I
waited till he was done, cuz I knew I would need his support to get through any
harder contractions.
Sure enough I stood up walked into the next room, had about
two contractions and went into transition. I promptly laid down on the floor. I
remember hearing Keith Green & The Imperials playing in the background and
thinking that I really was feeling like a little more calming music… That, and
why did Eve have to mess up and give us all this pain in childbirth thing. The assistant midwife told me I should get
into the tub. I did and the contractions immediately became more
manageable. My Mom came in and asked if
the water slowed labor, I figured it did and didn’t really care. Midwife shrugged, then asked me if I felt
like pushing. Two contractions later and
I did.
Blake was a big boy and it took about ½ an hour to get him
out. I didn’t have any desire to deliver the baby myself, or even have Bronz do
it. But when it came down to it, being
able to feel progress as I went through the incredibly painful part was
fantastic. When he slid out and they
untangled him from the cord (Around his neck, arm and leg!) and I lifted him
out of the water… That was the most amazing experience ever, laughing, crying,
praising and thanking God.
About that time my supportive husband almost passed out…Which
created a small crisis in which everyone tried to get him off the side of the
birth tub so that he wouldn’t fall in. (Now that’s a new risk to homebirthing!)
He was so embarrassed. “I pulled a calf
last week!” (The difference my dear, is that I am not a cow.)
I like to be clean and reasonably pain free before cuddling
in, so Bronz had the first hour to hold Blake and rub the vernix in. I guess my Dad showed up for a peek at his
grandson. This is getting to be quite routine for him, not only is Blake the 11th
grandchild, but his fifth grandson born in ten months. That’s what happens when you raise eight
kids, and pass on a love and awe for life.
Then it was my turn, and I think I’ve pretty well hogged him
ever since! So amazing, incredible. What
a gift. Having such an emotionally
difficult pregnancy deepened the joy of the baby.
So, Mr. Blake Lee
Helmke
All nine and a half
pounds, twenty –two and a half inches of you,
God can care for the
sparrows, he has taken care of you.
And your mama can’t
wait to see what He has planned for your future.
Love you
Postscript
My recovery has been amazing. Totally different than Kamie’s, but then I’ve
been drinking this raspberry leaf tea with nettle and alfalfa, and taking
liquid kelp. Oh, and comfrey tea in my bathwater, and I have seaweed sitting
around. I even eat spinach if I make it
into a green drink. Still not using
cloth diapers, and Blake has slept in his cradle two whole nights. Maybe I need
to set up a natural mama blog… after I finish my coffee.
